sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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