Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sorry my hands just texted you
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
