Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
