So drunk its hurt
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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