how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
then he tried to convert me to islam
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
