tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
