they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
