It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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