My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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