I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
