She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
