Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
