The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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