umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
