So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
