i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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