Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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