My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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