also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
operation have a gay friend backfired
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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