Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He shit in the fireplace
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
