ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
