spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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