You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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