Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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