there's paper in my vomit.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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