Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
