I think my vagina is haunted
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Less talking, more tequila
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
