maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I love having hate sex.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
