UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
