I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
