recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
