I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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