insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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