the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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