Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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