i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
