He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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