The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
