So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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