I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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