then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Randomize
