I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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