In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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