i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you win again, gameday.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
