omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
