we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
