you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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