You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
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