just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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