hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
