I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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