I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
