how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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