dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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