found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
