im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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