wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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