Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
