question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
